Monsieur on the human mind

I am considering a lobotomy

Monsieur in the country

Nice pleasant passer-by:

"So where are you from, then?"

" Nowhere. To you, I'm from nowhere"

Monsieur on picnics

Monsieur tells the story of a very memorable picnic, in which he remembers a a lot of preparation for the occasion:

"Everyone else was doing a picnic, I was doing nothing"

Monsieur on other people playing tennis

As winter turns to spring and the lighter evenings see Monsieur and a friend playing a spot of tennis, the following conversation ensues,

Nice intermediate player: " Why aren't you running for the ball? That was a perfectly decent shot?"

 Monsieur: " You think I am going to run for a ball that trickles that slowly over the net?"

Monsieur on meditation

Upon exiting a calming and enlightening meditation class, Monsieur says the following in a particularly relaxed manner,

" By the way, I am never going back there..."

Monsieur chez le dentiste

At a particularly important dental check up, Monsieur is told that he must not eat solids for the following 24 hours and any liquids must come through a straw. His response is one of a concerned and obedient patient,

"Can I put cigarettes through the straw too?"

Monsieur on the winter social scene

After a pleasant but admittedly cold evening out to see Two in the Wave, Monsieur walks to the station in turmoil,

" I can't believe you thought going out in February was a good idea. And for that..."

Monsieur on traffic

"What's wrong?"
" Oh, it's just this guy in front of me who won't move because he's trying to drive and shave at the same time"

Monsieur on mince pies

"What do you think of mince pies?"

"pointless"

Monsieur on butter

Upon handing Monsieur a well-deserved toasted ham sandwich,  he looks shocked and disgusted.

" Did you have an affair with the butter? " he questions, happier that he has discovered the root of the problem.

Monsieur on Christmas parties

So, are you going to the after thing?
" I don't know if I am going to the before thing"

Monsieur on people

" Never take people for idiots but never forget that they are"

Monsieur on snow

"I need to buy gloves. They are expensive"

Monsieur finds his car

Walking back to his car, Monsieur is unsure where he has parked. Upon finally reaching a non-descript car-park, I ask him,
"Isn't that your car park?"

"Yes, it is mine, I bought it yesterday especially for this occasion."

Monsieur mange

Upon happily devouring aformentioned starters, consisting of the sinful combination of both sweet and savoury, monsieur growls,
" i can't stand sweet and salty things together "
as he reaches for another one from the tray......

Monsieur meets a stranger

A stranger approaches Monsieur and shakes his hand, after which he asks him for money.

" why do people who shake my hand think they are going to get something in return? They are already getting a lot."

Monsieur on women and dogs

" If a labrador and a poodle are named labradoodle, then a women and a poodle must be a woodle"

Monsieur enjoys his weekend

" I am hungry and thirsty. It is not easy being alive"

Monsieur on Putney

Upon seeing four or five men climb out of a cab in residential Putney,  Monsieur asks,

" Are you sure this is where you want to go? I mean, you look like decent enough guys, why would you go out in Putney? It's a complete nightmare "

Monsieur le flatteur

What is that you are wearing? You look like an orphan.