Sunday 30 June 2013
Thursday 27 June 2013
Wednesday 26 June 2013
Tuesday 25 June 2013
Saturday 22 June 2013
Friday 21 June 2013
Yoga mat for sale
Yoga mat for sale. Used once. - $1 (Bellevue)Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows: 11:45a
Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.
11:55a
Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.
11:57a
I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.
11:58a
The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.
11:59a
Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.
12:00p
Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.
12:02p
Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.
12:10p
It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other's body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don't worry, I'll mention them later.)
12:26p
It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.
12:33p
It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, "for better or worse" is what we committed to so we press on.
12:40p
The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.
12:44p
I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.
12:52p
It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.
12:55p
This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?
1:01p
140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don't get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!
1:09p
150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.
I lose consciousness.
1:15p
I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can't really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.
1:17p
I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok?
1:20p
It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?
1:30p
Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.
1:34p
My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.
1:37p
The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and mental scaring.
1:47p
Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein -- effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.
3:47p
Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the "shakes" consume my body.
4:29p
Note to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.
Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.
11:55a
Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.
11:57a
I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.
11:58a
The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.
11:59a
Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.
12:00p
Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.
12:02p
Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.
12:10p
It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other's body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don't worry, I'll mention them later.)
12:26p
It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.
12:33p
It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, "for better or worse" is what we committed to so we press on.
12:40p
The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.
12:44p
I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.
12:52p
It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.
12:55p
This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?
1:01p
140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don't get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!
1:09p
150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.
I lose consciousness.
1:15p
I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can't really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.
1:17p
I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok?
1:20p
It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?
1:30p
Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.
1:34p
My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.
1:37p
The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and mental scaring.
1:47p
Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein -- effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.
3:47p
Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the "shakes" consume my body.
4:29p
Note to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.
Thursday 20 June 2013
![Posted by @[1067031370:2048:GC Gabriela Cimpoaie]](https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/p320x320/999893_151962974987376_955434396_n.jpg)
Wednesday 19 June 2013
I didn't know France invented the hairdryer
La France fascine les étrangers. Surtout les Américains, qui considèrent Paris comme la capitale de l'élégance et du romantisme. Le site LOL Buzzfeed a réalisé un top 30 des bonnes raisons de déménager en France. Lesquelles vous parlent le plus ?
1 / Commençons avec le pain. Allez dans n'importe quelle boulangerie et le choix est multiple et tout est délicieux/
2 / C'est le seul endroit au monde où on peut se balader en mangeant une baguette et personne ne vous regarde bizarrement.
3 / Et puis, bien sûr, il y a le fromage. Et le fait que les gens mangent du fromage à n'importe quelle heure de la journée, même avant le dîner.
4 / Oubliez le cronut, les croissants sont bien meilleurs.
5 / L'autre chose qui y est délicieuse ? Le café.
6 / Vous n'en aurez jamais assez de manger des crêpes.
7 / Vous savez quoi, tant pis. Toute la nourriture en France est incroyable.
8 / En France, si vous travaillez plus de 35 heures par semaine, les heures supp' sont payées.
9 / Vacances : vous avez droit à 5 semaines de congés payés et 13 journées fériées.
10 / L’État, qui vient en aide à ceux qui ne peuvent pas payer leur loyer.
11 / Il y a plein de choses à faire pendant son temps libre, comme sauter dans un TGV pour aller visiter d'autres villes.
12 / Ce qui veut dire qu'en peu de temps, on peut se retrouver au bord de la mer pour le week-end.
13 / Pareil pour les plages du sud du pays...
14 / ... Et les stations de ski.
15 / Les marchés des villes de province, qui valent le détour.
16 / Aussi, les Français s'habillent bien. Vous ne croiserez jamais une personne en pyjama au supermarché (heu...).
17 / Les musées incroyables (vous connaissez déjà le Louvre). Le musée Rodin est notre préféré, surtout pour la tranquillité des jardins.
18 / Le théâtre est également très riche en France et les pièces variées.
19 / Les films français sont souvent oscarisés (exemple : The Artist).
20 / La vie nocturne : vous en avez marre de vous faire virer des discothèques à 2 heures du matin ? En France, elles ouvrent au moins jusqu'à 4 heures.
21 / La musique est très cool aussi. De quelle nationalité sont les Daft Punk à votre avis ?
22 / Si vous n'aimez pas faire la fête, pas de problème. Pour les Français, l'apéro avec vin, pain et fromage est tout aussi important.
23 / Qu'est ce que la France a d'autre à offrir ? Les 24 heures du Mans (article écrit par un homme, sans aucun doute).
24 / Et puis on n'a même pas besoin de vous parler du Tour de France.
25 / Le parkour est made in France ( Parkour ? C'est le fait de sauter partout, comme les Yamakasi).
26 / La France a aussi inventé les portables à appareils photos, l'aspirine, le sèche-cheveux et même les tailles-crayons.
27 / Le dimanche. Personne ne travaille, tout le monde se repose et les rues sont calmes.
28 / La vie en France en général est plutôt détendue.
29 / Vous pouvez être en retard dans vos papiers administratifs, le mot "deadline" n'est pas si strict.
30 / Alors qu'attendez-vous pour faire vos valises et aller vous y installer ?
7 sur 7 fait remarquer qu'un lecteur a aussitôt répondu à Buzzfeed en indiquant une seule bonne raison de ne PAS aller s'installer en France : les Français... Bon, le message est clair.
1 / Commençons avec le pain. Allez dans n'importe quelle boulangerie et le choix est multiple et tout est délicieux/
2 / C'est le seul endroit au monde où on peut se balader en mangeant une baguette et personne ne vous regarde bizarrement.
3 / Et puis, bien sûr, il y a le fromage. Et le fait que les gens mangent du fromage à n'importe quelle heure de la journée, même avant le dîner.
4 / Oubliez le cronut, les croissants sont bien meilleurs.
5 / L'autre chose qui y est délicieuse ? Le café.
6 / Vous n'en aurez jamais assez de manger des crêpes.
7 / Vous savez quoi, tant pis. Toute la nourriture en France est incroyable.
8 / En France, si vous travaillez plus de 35 heures par semaine, les heures supp' sont payées.
9 / Vacances : vous avez droit à 5 semaines de congés payés et 13 journées fériées.
10 / L’État, qui vient en aide à ceux qui ne peuvent pas payer leur loyer.
11 / Il y a plein de choses à faire pendant son temps libre, comme sauter dans un TGV pour aller visiter d'autres villes.
12 / Ce qui veut dire qu'en peu de temps, on peut se retrouver au bord de la mer pour le week-end.
13 / Pareil pour les plages du sud du pays...
14 / ... Et les stations de ski.
15 / Les marchés des villes de province, qui valent le détour.
16 / Aussi, les Français s'habillent bien. Vous ne croiserez jamais une personne en pyjama au supermarché (heu...).
17 / Les musées incroyables (vous connaissez déjà le Louvre). Le musée Rodin est notre préféré, surtout pour la tranquillité des jardins.
18 / Le théâtre est également très riche en France et les pièces variées.
19 / Les films français sont souvent oscarisés (exemple : The Artist).
20 / La vie nocturne : vous en avez marre de vous faire virer des discothèques à 2 heures du matin ? En France, elles ouvrent au moins jusqu'à 4 heures.
21 / La musique est très cool aussi. De quelle nationalité sont les Daft Punk à votre avis ?
22 / Si vous n'aimez pas faire la fête, pas de problème. Pour les Français, l'apéro avec vin, pain et fromage est tout aussi important.
23 / Qu'est ce que la France a d'autre à offrir ? Les 24 heures du Mans (article écrit par un homme, sans aucun doute).
24 / Et puis on n'a même pas besoin de vous parler du Tour de France.
25 / Le parkour est made in France ( Parkour ? C'est le fait de sauter partout, comme les Yamakasi).
26 / La France a aussi inventé les portables à appareils photos, l'aspirine, le sèche-cheveux et même les tailles-crayons.
27 / Le dimanche. Personne ne travaille, tout le monde se repose et les rues sont calmes.
28 / La vie en France en général est plutôt détendue.
29 / Vous pouvez être en retard dans vos papiers administratifs, le mot "deadline" n'est pas si strict.
30 / Alors qu'attendez-vous pour faire vos valises et aller vous y installer ?
7 sur 7 fait remarquer qu'un lecteur a aussitôt répondu à Buzzfeed en indiquant une seule bonne raison de ne PAS aller s'installer en France : les Français... Bon, le message est clair.
Tuesday 18 June 2013
Monday 17 June 2013
Tuesday 11 June 2013
"Become loving. When you are in the embrace, become the embrace. Become the kiss. Forget yourself so totally that you can say, "I am no more. Only love exists."... Then the heart is not beating, but love is beating. Then the blood is not circulating, but love is circulating. Then eyes are not seeing, love is seeing. Then hands are not moving to touch, love is moving to touch.
Become love and enter everlasting life. Love suddenly changes your dimension. You are thrown out of time and you are facing eternity. Love can become a deep meditation, the deepest possible. Lovers have known sometimes what saints have not known."
~Osho
Become love and enter everlasting life. Love suddenly changes your dimension. You are thrown out of time and you are facing eternity. Love can become a deep meditation, the deepest possible. Lovers have known sometimes what saints have not known."
~Osho
Monday 10 June 2013
Friday 7 June 2013
The Poles are big on diminutives. Truncate long names such as Agnieszka to Aga, or Jakub to Kuba (a big leap from formal to intimate in the loss of a single letter), and you'll make friends for life. If you want to take matters further, then try the popular terms of endearment, kotku/'little kitten' and, for a boy, misiu/'little bear'. Note: your lips will be in a permanent kiss with the u/oo- shapes of these romantic appellations.
2. In moments of total incomprehension, resort to that familiar British tactic, the "phonetic-pathetic", in which you try to make a foreign word sound like an English one. Przepraszam/'excuse me' is a perfect example. It sounds a little like 'Push past them!' So whisper 'push past them!' as you squeeze by some Polish folk and see how they move aside. But this approach has its dangers: if you hear kawka (pronounced Kafka), don't start quoting the Czech author – in Polish, the word means 'little coffee'.
3. Rolled Rs are neither favoured nor successfully executed by the English. Commenting on my failure, a Polish tutor once said to me: "Your palates are shaped the wrong way!" But these growling Rs are necessary to swear effectively in Polish. You'll hear kurwa/'whore' every other word in a burst of street-slang, so if you need to slip out of a tight corner, a quick ja pierdole!/'fuck me!' will get everyone slapping your back.
4. The sleeping technique. Taking Brodsky's advice further, try to read, in Polish and in bed, the poetry of Herbert and Różewicz, as well as Nobel prize-winners Czesław Miłosz and Wisława Szymborska. Their lullaby linguistics will make sense in your dreams, so that when you wake you'll find yourself babbling the lyrics to Julian Tuwim's famously rhythmic Lokomotywa. Cudownie!/'Miraculous!' Another version of the sleeping technique is to date a Polish wo/man. In the morning, be sure to whisper: Kochany, gdzie jest moja Kawa?/'Darling (male), where is my coffee?'
5. A shot or two of Wódka Wyborowa – na zdrowie!/'cheers!' - will untie your tongue for that sh-ch train of consonants. And once you've mastered the fact that 'ł' is pronounced 'w' then you will be chatting over a plate of pierogi with your new Polish neighbours in their native language about the composer Lutosławski – whose centenary is currently being celebrated at the Festival Hall and on BBC Radio 3.
6. Finally, if ever in doubt, just nod your head sagely and exclaim, dokładnie!/'exactly!'.
2. In moments of total incomprehension, resort to that familiar British tactic, the "phonetic-pathetic", in which you try to make a foreign word sound like an English one. Przepraszam/'excuse me' is a perfect example. It sounds a little like 'Push past them!' So whisper 'push past them!' as you squeeze by some Polish folk and see how they move aside. But this approach has its dangers: if you hear kawka (pronounced Kafka), don't start quoting the Czech author – in Polish, the word means 'little coffee'.
3. Rolled Rs are neither favoured nor successfully executed by the English. Commenting on my failure, a Polish tutor once said to me: "Your palates are shaped the wrong way!" But these growling Rs are necessary to swear effectively in Polish. You'll hear kurwa/'whore' every other word in a burst of street-slang, so if you need to slip out of a tight corner, a quick ja pierdole!/'fuck me!' will get everyone slapping your back.
4. The sleeping technique. Taking Brodsky's advice further, try to read, in Polish and in bed, the poetry of Herbert and Różewicz, as well as Nobel prize-winners Czesław Miłosz and Wisława Szymborska. Their lullaby linguistics will make sense in your dreams, so that when you wake you'll find yourself babbling the lyrics to Julian Tuwim's famously rhythmic Lokomotywa. Cudownie!/'Miraculous!' Another version of the sleeping technique is to date a Polish wo/man. In the morning, be sure to whisper: Kochany, gdzie jest moja Kawa?/'Darling (male), where is my coffee?'
5. A shot or two of Wódka Wyborowa – na zdrowie!/'cheers!' - will untie your tongue for that sh-ch train of consonants. And once you've mastered the fact that 'ł' is pronounced 'w' then you will be chatting over a plate of pierogi with your new Polish neighbours in their native language about the composer Lutosławski – whose centenary is currently being celebrated at the Festival Hall and on BBC Radio 3.
6. Finally, if ever in doubt, just nod your head sagely and exclaim, dokładnie!/'exactly!'.
Wednesday 5 June 2013
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