Hilarious

http://thingsidontunderstandanddefinitelyamnotgoingtotalkabout.com/

Cox's Bazar, Bangladesh

The unsettled ( grrr) snow has inspired me to take a peek at the longest beach in the world in Bangladesh. It is 75 miles long and is named after a yellow flower. My only consolation for not being on it, is that wearing bikinis is frowned upon. Actually, on second thoughts, this may be a future hot spot for all  those whose winter wobbles who are in need of a less obvious tan-line. The question is where's better to cover up- sloppy London ( did I mention the snow hasn't settled??) or  baking Bangladesh?

Magic Messi

Apparantly, Barcelona have outwitted Madrid to hit top of the table and, though I could give less than two hoots, not even one hoot actually, the expression on this guy's face is sublimely comforting, especially since the speckles of snow that have descended on London have done little to cheer me up at this time. I am football's ignoramus but the staggering display of happiness here makes me rethink my lack of dedication to the game.  And, let's face it, if I know who Messi is, then I have a pretty good head start. I mean, he's  the only one to have made a stamp on the game. In fact,  he would probably have the ability to do this in any game, even chess. I realise this is controversial and may come as a surprise to all those other footbally types that are too rich to mention on this blog but I in my narrow sphere of sporty influence, he is the man.

Monday morning greets Jane Birkin and Serge Gainsbourg

Monsieur mange

Upon happily devouring aformentioned starters, consisting of the sinful combination of both sweet and savoury, monsieur growls,
" i can't stand sweet and salty things together "
as he reaches for another one from the tray......

savoury sweet starters ...

Now, please don't think I'm getting all domesticated, just humanly in touch with my taste-buds and trying to share a little portion of something encompassing two of the greatest tastes out there, all in one tiny culinary parcel...  Rather than keep you in suspense, I shall just focus on the two ingredients, without which I would have been sad and hungry last night, and also the means by which these litttle glories were created.. so here goes...

lots of bacon wrapped around ......

PRUNES!!!! yummmmm....

under the grill.........

hooray!! And there they are!!!

underground chefs

Apparantly, French chefs are taking to the underground "metro" to refine their culinary skills and inspire locals to go back to their michelin roots, as the special aromas fill the packed out stuffiness of underground travel. They claim that the haute cuisine that France is known for is a far cry from quotidien Paris and busy life, although I imagine it will cause even more crowds down there, thus stopping anyone from getting home and standing over their neglected ovens.

generique

"Générique is a game that uses the format of the post-show artist talk as a setting. The sole rule is that everybody discusses as if a performance had just taken place - as if the performers had performed it and as if the audience had seen it. Both the imaginary as well as the actual performance emerge through discussion."
I can't believe that this is an actual event taking place at The Southbank centre. I ponder in what way this is a game and if it is what they say, who is the winner? The non-existent performers?

Monsieur meets a stranger

A stranger approaches Monsieur and shakes his hand, after which he asks him for money.

" why do people who shake my hand think they are going to get something in return? They are already getting a lot."

No More whole body scans.

Rocky flats gear have come up with the ultimate security formula... knickers which protect from the biggest breach in security at airports and avoid displaying your privates. 

All you need are these....  love the design, I bet it took them ages to come up with that one....

A testing tube

I very nearly lost my cool in a day job where swearing might cost you a job and all because I am becoming more and more incensed by the state of the tube in London. Not only does my oyster card soak up every little last bit of my "extra" cash but it is mostly useless, as strikes continue and mayhem prevails.  Some birdies have ushered that tubes won't be running normally until after the olympics, which begs the simple but last resort question of why??!! Are they too busy buying their tickets online? Have they made enough money to last a year from mugs, who, like me, are unwillingly assigned to the rat-race and are therefore obliged to keep topping up their untoppable wages? It's ok, there are days of respite such as tuesdays, when despite delays, my head is locked in pure gossip bliss, courtesy of Grazia. Other days are not as joyous and I often find myself wedged between a polish builder and someone poking mascara wands into their eyes. A rare addition to this fracas is the prospect of snow this week, which will undoubtedly fall in miniscule quantities, just enough to have underground staff packing for their christmas hols and me left rubbing up against yet another Pole in a white van, as we cross "hazardous" London instead of grinding to a pathetic halt. At least it's Tuesday.

Monsieur on women and dogs

" If a labrador and a poodle are named labradoodle, then a women and a poodle must be a woodle"

J'ai un rapport un peu bizarre avec l'anglais et les Anglais; ça a toujours été une culture à côté de moi

How glamorous do french teachers sound?

Mademoiselle Chambon

France | 2009 | col | 101 mins | dir. Stéphane Brizé, with Vincent Lindon, Sandrine Kiberlain, Aure Atika, Jean-Marc Thibault | cert. 12A | UK premiere | in French with English subtitles

Jean leads a pretty ordinary life: he spends his days happily between his construction sites and his house, with his loving wife and son. He feels confortable in his routine. One day, as he’s picking up Kevin from school, he stumbles upon Mademoiselle Chambon, his son’s teacher. She’s discreet, elegant, mesmerizing, unlike any woman he has ever met before. This chance encounter will be a turning point in his well-organized life. An opportunity to change or a folly to regret?

Monsieur enjoys his weekend

" I am hungry and thirsty. It is not easy being alive"

Syndromes and a century

 by Apichatpong Weerasethakul.

I won't deny that I had to copy and paste his name from somewhere far cleverer than here but last night, I  had the utmost pleasure in watching this 2006 ( it takes me a while to catch on sometimes) Thai drama. I have to mention that it was because I failed to get off the couch and drive across London to see his latest film, Uncle Boonmee who can recall his past lives, which might have had something to do with the hideous idea of seeing London West to East on a gloomy November night. Anyway, my sheer apathy led me to his previous stuff... It's one of those films you could watch on mute and even if you saw it twice or three times in one day, you would still happen upon some incredible shots. Ours is a visual culture but Weerasethakul takes that thought and runs with it.....

South of the Border

Phoenix cinema in East Finchley is playing this doc by Oliver Stone on Saturday 27th November, recounting Latin America's political and social situation through unprecedented interviews and travel across the continent. By the end, you'll want to start a revolution, or at least a movement, or maybe just get off the couch for a minute before the christmas slouch

Damian Ortega

This is a Mexican installation artist who looks at different aspects of daily news and interprets them through a scuplture or an installation, making a whole new chronology of recent times. Having swapped careers from a political cartoonist to a scupltor, this man knows how to fuse art with newsworthy events. Worth taking a look gratis at The Barbican

Monsieur on Putney

Upon seeing four or five men climb out of a cab in residential Putney,  Monsieur asks,

" Are you sure this is where you want to go? I mean, you look like decent enough guys, why would you go out in Putney? It's a complete nightmare "

Monsieur le flatteur

What is that you are wearing? You look like an orphan.

chocolate devastation

In keeping with my November theme of chocolate, or devouring it at all hours of the day, I began to realise that this selfishness cannot continue. I can't possibly just keep taking from the world's obviously diminished cocoa supplies and not give anything back. So, I set about trying to locate a voluntary position at a chocolate factory, which had nothing to do with tasting the offending substance all day long and I saw it as a long-term devotional offering of my extremely limited time ( usually taken up by eating the stuff) Alas, no luck, and the nearest I got was hearing about the Green and Blacks Taste Assistant position causing a mouth-watering explosion of excitement in my day-to-day. Heart sinking, I knew deep-down that I was, in no particular culinary way, qualified for such a prestigious post and, whilst I knew how to impress them with my unadulterated passion for the dark magic that is Green and Blacks Maya Gold,  it was disheartening to read that if I made it past this first stage, my ultimate challenge would be a cooking one. This, to me, is like slipping on a banana skin smashing your face just as you are walking down the aisle to collect an Oscar. Cooking with chocolate? In front of a panel of judges? Does it even occur to them in their unstarved chocolate-coated little minds, that maybe, just maybe, I might start licking the spoon???
So, I am to settle for the gloriously packaged stuff, the real deal and forget about these Willy Wonka fantasies... at least until the next recruitment round.

A lover's lift

Lover, you need a lift,
Where are you going with that?
London doesn't build upwards
don't you prefer that sprawling brick
flat and desperate for a repaint?
Can it fall for you?
Can it withstand rain
and emotions
for you?

Lover, I'll lift you lying on your back
Your length so imposing and high up
I'll dance with your weakened spirit
and keep your feet on the ground
I'll splash words around you
Sung and said in dysfunctional lyric
yours, all yours, like my skin.

lost and found

I’m losing you to what I thought I found you in

I’m turning corners sharper than your love for me

I’m treating you with anything but simple courtesy

And when I kiss you

The devil sails away to his island

When we touch

The mountains hold in memories

I’m colouring this body darker than your gaze

I’m running further than you think I am

La piel que habito ( The skin which I inhabit) 2011

When I first looked at the release date of Almodovar's new film starring Antonio Banderas, I thought it was far- off, a distant prospect, an ambiguous yearning for the future of Spanish film. In actual fact, it's just around the 2010 corner, a speck you can actually see in the distance... I'm excited about this one, a true revenge story, based on Thierry Jonquet's novel "Mygale" in which a plastic surgeon hunts for the men who raped his daughter. I expect it makes for good viewing and that the protagonist has a few more scalpels than most people to 'finish the job'

Monsieur on war

"There is a war between women and men. Women just haven't realised it yet..."

O Pioneers...Oh resistless restless race!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HG8tqEUTlvs

Find out what Walt Whitman and Levi's have in common here. Personally, I can't believe they made this one gel. For a short moment, I believed that I was still a Western Youth or even a hapless silent lover but I realise that I should just stick to wearing my skinnies and not focus on the finer details....

A sense of foreboding...

Nadie podrá evitar que suceda lo que tiene que suceder

( Adela, act II, La Casa De Bernarda Alba)

la chica Araña

Finally, a spidergirl without superpowers, just a bit of common sense, superb martial arts and combat skills.... and she is latinamerican and completely unrelated to spiderman... My kind of spider..

http://www.bbc.co.uk/mundo/noticias/2010/11/101117_anya_corazon_spider_girl_latina_lav.shtml

laugh or cry?

Death of subversive Berlanga

A belated ode to the remarkable director, Luis Garcia Berlanga, who died on the 13 November at the ripe age of 89 and who was best known for his humorous films, including Placido ( 1961) which was nominated for an Oscar for best- foreign language film. It must have been a fascinating process when trying to work within Franco's era whilst constantly and surreptitiously undermining it.

Spanish events in November

3rd December at 7pm

LAUNCH PARTY | Sabor a Mí: A Night of Wine and Words | Granta Magazine 'The Best of Young

Spanish Language Novelists'

Venue |

Canning House Drawing Room

Tickets |

£12 / Members: £10

To book tickets |

culture@canninghouse.org or call 0207 235 2303 x 217

Film | ‘Plan B' by Marco Berger

7th December at 6:30 pm

PLAN B is Marco Berger’s first feature film, and was presented at the 11th BAFICI in Buenos Aires in March 2009 and toured across the UK as part of the BFI Lesbian and Gay Film Festival in 2010.

Tickets |

£4 Members / £6 Non-Members

Venue |

Canning House Library Gallery

To book tickets |

In collaboration with Network Releasing, Canning House presents the third of a

series of Latin American films and documentaries.

Bruno is dumped by his girlfriend. Behind a calm, indifferent exterior, his mind plots

a cold, sweet vengeance. Along the way things changes and the possibility of a Plan

B arises. Set in Buenos Aires, this witty, beguiling feature masquerades as a familiar

romantic comedy, only to confound expectations by testing the boundaries of gender and social demarcations.

culture@canninghouse.org or call 0207 235 2303 x 217

how rude is forgetting someone's name?

The other day, I attended a funeral with hundreds of people I used to know, some in passing, some in utter depth, most of whom I had pretty much forgotten about. The "out of sight, out of mind" rule means with it go a number of names, which, for the most part, bear no relevance in your life. However, once forgotten, they are hard to recap and forcing their recovery is a pure and desperate waste of time. Facebook helps, to some extent, but doesn't account for the millions of old people you have met through your extended family at one stage or another. So, the avoidance strategies commence...
1) say hi. This is a simple but effective avoidance of a name and focuses instead on the salute, a warmer and much more significant exchange.
2) If the person in question has a kid, whose name wasn't even in your list of name worries, refer to them as "little one" or if you plan on buttering the bearers up a bit, call them cuties, sweeties or anything else sickly sweet. Never ever reveal genders i.e How's your daughter doing? This can irrevocably work against you if, for some reason, it slipped your busy mind that perhaps, just perhaps, they have a son.
3) Bumping into someone on the street is easy peasy. You feign a hurried look and make a run for it or just keep looking at the pavement. Whatever the case, the person in question will assume you are stressed, active and someone to look up to in their own boring lives.

"With great power comes great responsibility"

I only know about responsibility and that bit is thoroughly boring and a waste of time. Noone I know ever told me that " with no power at all, comes the biggest, toughest kind of responsibility and you'll want to run away every minute you have it " I guess only Spiderman has it all.

alberto

Get a Voki now!

Voki

Get a Voki now!

East meets French pop

Rockfort, the French cultural website, is organising an event on Friday, 19th November at Rich Mix and includes ethereally poppy tunes from La Feline, some jazzy weird stuff from Ray Bartok but best of all, Guess What: French peeps dressed in masks and turbans, whose album is devoted to the Russian astronaut, Yuri Gagarin. A fascinating bunch, who seem as scary but exciting as going East to see them....

you are never happiest than when you are at your most miserable

Monsieur plays tennis

" So, how did you feel after two hours of tennis- energised or tired? "

"upset, very very upset" he replies sourly.

too much choice

Monsieur is sitting at the dinner table with some friends and a larger than ordinary box of chocolates comes out. He stands up and before leaving, says,

" I am going. I refuse to spend all night waiting for you to take your pick"

Latin American Film festival November 2010

Felicitas

Riverside Studios Friday 19- 8.30 pm

Based on the real life of Felicitas Guerrero, this film brings to life the age- old class/wealth tragedy, spurred on by war and Felicitas' father's wish for her to marry a wealthy man rather than pursue her true love. The Buenos Aires setting makes for a moving addition to this heartbreaker.

Many more such beauties here....
http://www.latinamericanfilmfestival.com/films/ 

Monsieur gets wise

As we are walking home, we both see a man pull manically into his drive.
Monsieur says the following as a warning,

" Be careful, it is a sad man's life to hit one's own wall "

A spaniard's view on English....

ÉSTA ES LA RAZÓN POR LA CUAL SOY INCAPAZ DE APRENDER A HABLAR O ENTENDER EL INGLÉS!!!
 la prueba consta de tres módulos...

MÓDULO BÁSICO
"Tres brujas miran tres relojes Swatch. ¿Qué bruja mira qué reloj? "
En inglés:
"Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watches which Swatch watch? "

MÓDULO AVANZADO
"Tres brujas 'travestis' miran los botones de tres relojes Swatch. ¿Qué bruja travesti mira los botones de qué reloj Swatch? "

En inglés:
"Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watches which Swatch watch switch? "

...Y ÉSTE ES PARA MÁSTERS:
"Tres brujas suecas transexuales miran los botones de tres relojes Swatch suizos.
¿Qué bruja sueca transexual mira qué botón de qué reloj Swatch suizo? "

En inglés:
"Three Swedish switched witches watch three Swiss Swatch watch switches. Which Swedish switched witch watches which Swiss Swatch watch switch? "Y LUEGO DICEN QUE EL INGLÉS ES FÁCIL... 

The best of rude Britain

A recent article naming the Best of British cited cagoules, alcopops and blankets at the top of the list, which makes me feel a little depressed, since all my cagoules have gone missing one way or another, nobody I know even looks at an alcopop and my blankets are all from Ikea and much as they would like to, the Brits can't take the credit for that biggy. However, much to my relief, the article went on to talk about the merits of British shipping forecasts and their poetic tones, which have saved me from many a sleepless night in the wet and windy West Country that was home to me many years ago, and hopefully lots of sailors. My favourite, though, were these rude vegetables...

If you've  ever ordered veggie boxes, you will recognise the genuine happiness I'm displaying, not least because whoever got these in the post, got TWO of them!!!! Memories of actually having to make soup with them, still kill me and rack me with guilt, due to their more than human form.

flamenco flavours at Costa Dourada, Hanway street

If you can't find it or you are too scared because you think you'll get mugged, don't worry, even if you do, the sound of flamenco feet and smells of spicy chorizo will have you in a state of warm iberian oblivion in no time. I love this place ; it's romantic in a let's stuff our faces and not talk to each other and look at the flamenco bums sort of way.  And bonus, it's also cheesy and silly in a ''we have just stuffed our faces so we'll dance until three to Shakira or Enrique' kind of way, if you are really unlucky.

http://www.timeout.com/external_link/?http://www.costadoradarestaurant.co.uk

Spanish:	lo ganado por lo gastado
English:	easy come, easy go

Girl effect

http://richardcossins.blogspot.com/2010/10/girl-effect-lovewiedenkennedy.html

something else to show how vital we girls are....

5.30 am

" Turn off the light, these things are for evenings only and I suspect you are preparing to go to work, so I am confused and awake, neither of which amuse me at this time. Goodnight."

Monsieur le Grump considers being a manager

 Monsieur imagines himself as a manager; any sort of manager, from production to publishing,through to business and concludes that the word itself makes him want to vomit and that managerial magnitude doesn't cut it for him, that Lord and Duke are the only titles worth holding down. Shame, I think Monsieur le Manageur is where it's at.

That was me this morning minus the broken parasol.......

A chocoholic's nightmare

It gives me no pleasure at all to write that, according to industry experts, the world ( not just your corner shop) is fast running out of chocolate, not because the industry "experts" have eaten it all but because  cocoa farmers are abandoning their crops in West Africa. Why, why, why??? WHY would they leave the most powerful, seductive and irresistibly delicious substance and run away? The answer doesn't bear thinking about but it seems that their crops are bad, pretty pretty bad and they can't be bothered to start all over again. Fair play to them but what are WE, the chocolate chompers of the world, going to do about it?  Will I really have to go through all those hours of CA ( chocoholics anonymous to those who clearly haven't been there and yes, it's headquarters are in California) again and not have anything to reward me for all my hard work????

Los invisibles

www.youtube.com/invisiblesfilms

Gael Garcia Bernal films  four documentary films to show the plight of migrants in Mexico for Amnesty International. The invisibles, or the forgotten Mexicans, are those who are not being heard by the Mexican government. Six out of ten women who travel through Mexico in search of a better life are sexually abused. Watch and weep.

L'argent de poche

I am amused by the fact that I am the one who made it but still can't find any whole sentences.....

The not-feeling-guilty-at-all pleasure

The above issue has managed to solve many a crisis- from the miniature qualms of delayed trains with copy in freezing hand on a deserted platform ( it seems eveyone else knows about the delay..) to the bigger decisions in life, such as what coat to buy ( if you have parted from a particular favourite, you will know it felt like what people say about lengthy divorces; if you are acquiring a new one, it would probably feel like buying a new house if I knew what that felt like) Sadly, there is nothing more enlightening on a Tuesday morning, nothing more silky, glossy and smooth to the touch when you have just left the warmth of your duvet, nothing more inspiring than reading about women dressed badly and  rightly getting stick for it  and nothing more seriously soothing than being told that their life ( theirs? whose? who cares?) is a celebrity's pay packet amount worse than your own. All for the bargain price of £1.

wandering pole hits the highlands

Leakey's Bookstore

Old souls dampen their frozen lips
As the fluids soothe their minds
To prepare for another moment
in between harder times
to turn old and older pages
that invite them to peruse
as their northern bellies remain warm
it is a rare thing when both fuse

Catalan town of Amposta erupts over fire bulls' fate

the calm before the storm

a NONchalant weekend

A walk in the park to capture a momentary stillness in what can be a viscious November month? NON, walking around a park and saying everything is beautiful sounds like my idea of hell

A dinner with friends? NON, my friends would never ask me to dinner so these are not my friends


A trip to Clapham? NON, I would not dream of crossing the river to the south- there is probably only a black hole there anyway.

the Cinema? NON, people just go there to eat.


A hot chocolate to calm the nerves which are evidently soaring to new heights? NON, you will probably make it very badly.

OK. Should we stay at home? NON, that is sooooo boring.

Luton car park

At a broken down and volatile pay and display machine in Luton in the freezing cold, my French curmudgeon  discovers the root of the problem.
" there must be a duck in there"

This is what November should look like

Biutiful

I am consoling myself on this downpour of a november morning with the upcoming release of Inarritu's film, BIUTIFUL in JANUARY. Bardem ( yipee!!!) plays a dark character whose premeditative abilities have him staring death in the face. Suffice to say that I'm faring better (but not much) than him but he's much better looking.So, we are even. Or not....